My Moment Of Truth
I’m going to step out on a limb here and be very transparent with the world today:
I’ve been a bad mommy.
From the day that my daughter was born I have struggled constantly to balance discipline with love and keep from reacting out of anger. Again and again I have failed.
Though I have not abused my children physically or sexually (and if anyone ever does such a thing to my kids I may go temporarily insane!), I have verbally and emotionally abused them with my poisonous words.
Ariela in particular has gotten it from me the worst. To those who observed my abuse they saw me as a mom who hated her children. And so I was judged. What they did not realize is that I suffered. A war took place within me.
The Endless Cycle Of Suffering
Now I can understand why Paul said, “I do what I don’t want to do, and I don’t do what I want to do.” This was the truth with me as well.
I hated myself for the way I treated my children, but I also couldn’t stop myself. I devoured tons of parenting books and tried each technique. They always failed me. I tried modifying my behavior and forcing myself to be a good mommy, but this failed me as well. It didn’t matter how hard I tried, I always ended up right back where I started…sinning against my children.
In an effort to help me, friends and family members tried training me to better care for my kids and explaining to me that what I was doing was wrong. They didn’t realize that they were only hurting me more.
I spent many nights sobbing, asking myself why I was the way I was and why I couldn’t change it?
Some Back Story
It’s no secret here that I am a believer in the Most High God, Yeshua. He is as real to me as this world is, and I converse with him just as I do with my husband on a daily basis.
In the past few years God has been walking me through repentance (not confession, that’s different). I have found (with the help of God) many vile things that existed in my spirit, passed down from my forefathers and mothers to me. Other things I have found is unforgiveness due to the many people in my life who have hurt me. Many of these things I have repented from and overcome. Doing so has drastically changed my heart and my behavior, yet my actions towards my kids remained the same.
So I continued to search for the heart issue. I tried repenting from treating my kids like crap, but this didn’t work at all. I asked God over and over again what the root was. At first He said to me, “I will not answer you if you refuse to believe that I am telling you the truth.” I was very confused with this answer, but looking back I now know what He meant. He tried telling me once before that I favored boys over girls, but I didn’t listen.
Again and again I cried out to God for help, and eventually he remained silent. Frustrated I gave up, believing I would always be this way. Thankfully my spirit would not allow me to quit.
A Conversation With God
Just a few days ago hubby and I took the kids to our mall’s indoor play area. As they played I began to notice that my thoughts towards the boys were always loving and kind, but my thoughts towards the girls were always of irritation and annoyance.
“Do I dislike girls over boys?” I thought.
Suddenly images of my past encounters with little girls flashed through my head and I realized that they always annoyed me more than the boys did.
“Why Do I not like girls, Father?” I asked God. “Is this something that runs in my family?”
I then remembered that my grandmother favored my uncle over my mother. Then I remembered conversations I’ve had with my mom here and there about how my grandma felt like her parents favored her brother over her. Also, since I am part Chinese I knew that this truly was a generational root because most Chinese want boys over girls.
Pricked in my heart I finally realized the root of my problem: I favored my son over my daughter.
“Now that I finally have your attention, repent,” said God.
Wasting NO time, right there in the play area (no I did not get on my knees) I prayed for my family line and that God would forgive them all. I asked that he would break that root in my heart and in the generations coming from me and on. I also asked that He would forgive me and put me onto the path of good parenting.
I can honestly say that I have finally overcome my sin and am FREE! My behavior was changed instantly and I no longer yell or treat my children like they are stupid. I am finally loving instead of hating motherhood and being with any child absolutely thrills me. Thank you FATHER for breaking those chains!
If you struggle with parenting, I can sympathize because I know what it’s like. Please feel free to email me at thriftymilitarymommy.com if you’d like me to talk to you.